


A.I. Writes Voltron Fanfic

by TheClassiestHat



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Botnik, Crack, Gen, Humor, Other, Predictive Text
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-25
Updated: 2018-01-25
Packaged: 2019-03-09 03:21:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13472643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheClassiestHat/pseuds/TheClassiestHat
Summary: You know how you're always asking yourself, who would write better fan fiction - humans or robots? Well, wonder no more, because I have your answer right here.I collected a bunch of Voltron fics from AO3 and tumblr and fed them to a predictive keyboard AI. This is the story it came up with.





	A.I. Writes Voltron Fanfic

Lance was a funny guy on the outside, but he couldn't have been a good first time. He drums his fingers nervously on the counter just in front of the cutting board and the other guys all squawked like a fish.

 

Keith had never been a huge fan of dogs. If anything, he was getting defensive at the back of his mind. With his head flung backwards in distraught frenzy, Lance turned away from the hug to pull his pig in the water. "I guess that makes sense," Lance said through his laughter. "And the paladins have clearly gotten very good at drawing and chemistry."

 

Scattered around the place was a small puddle of saliva. Keith finally looked up from his phone to see how much longer they had till the water stopped listening. He was out of his seat and looking like a little fuzzy beard. It was a miracle they could enjoy themselves in the world of Lance's artificial gravity inducers.

 

When Coran needed to return to the castle of the chickens, all of the blankets were trying to kill a Galra thing. Why? Because they were partners in crime and Lance was always confident that he could feel anxious. "Hunk seems to be trying to convince himself to wear a smile," Lance pouts wetly. He jammed the straw through the floor and sat himself at a table across the deck. "I don't think I could handle gills."

 

Keith shrugged and stretched a bit more, clearly in the process of making a boyfriend. "We have to get to the ship with a big secret," he said, grabbing the remote control from the coffee table and kneeling on Lance's shoulder. "How does anyone decide anything of importance when they don't have some kind of weapon? That's a big deal."

 

"Well, I guess it's a bit more complex than that," Hunk mutters. He was getting bored again already. "It's not like you can share a bed with Lance. No way in quiznak.  I thought that was pretty much the first time I saw that and I'm bisexual. "

 

Keith sighed and crawled off the ship to make a good first impression. He was basically famous back at the Garrison, but Lance was still trying to learn the right way to be a paladin of Voltron. When Keith's family was just mad, Keith could see the blue eyes glowing and talking about personal things. Maybe Hunk would let him use his romantic charms on Lance's bayard. The two of them were blushing a little bit and Keith only looked down at his arm.

 

Just like the humans, Keith could hear his own knife as it was going for the shiny place. Except he was slobbering against his hairline and Lance felt vulnerable to Pidge's drops of blood.

 

"Yeah I need help?" Allura interjects while racing towards the library stairs. "And Lance made an awful pun. I'm kinda too ashamed to stay in the training room with a twin sized bed."

 

There was a loud clang, and then suddenly there was someone above the table. "Come on Pidge," said Hunk, peering into flesh. "You know you're a good thing."

 

The woman pulled out a heated blanket for Lance. "So maybe that's my chicken," Pidge said with a dismissive wave of her hand. Her eyes were scanning Keith all the way to the floor. Keith swallowed and forced himself to look at her computer. "Oh yeah sorry I didn't kiss you," Pidge continues. "I just noticed that Lance was way too comfortable with the iguana. Now I think I shouldn't try to pet a small kitten."

 

"Hurry up and cut the boy," Lance yawns.

 

Hunk sniffles and with a flourish of his arms he continued to stare at the other man. His entire chest was still swishing idly in the water: "What are all the options here?" he asked increduously.

 

Keith shook his head immediately and swung his gaze to the rocks beside him. "Okay then," he said softly, trying vainly to keep himself from falling asleep. For a moment the two boys seemed to be so dramatic, but Keith felt very unimpressed. He knew that Lance was lame enough to be defeated by his hair. The only other problem with that was that the blue lion was pretty cool. But everything else would be nice and inconsequential.

 

"Did you get all this stuff?" Lance asked while Hunk mulls thoughtfully over the revelation of Keith's new scars.

 

Pidge rolled her eyes. "Wow you are such a baby, could you please just drop it!"

 

Soon enough the force of that attack was starting to make her uncomfortable.

 

Lance groaned outwardly for a long time, and then he dragged Shiro into his bedroom. He was close to death and Keith flinched away, his hands intertwined and shaking.  "Is Shiro ready to bite my head off?" he asked.

 

"Jesus says that you can chill," Lance said.

 

Keith sighed and sank into the couch cushions. Back in the castle, Hunk made breakfast for Christmas. It was weird.

 

"Let's go around the island and something will fight you," Allura says.

 

"Why?!" Lance cried out gleefully.

 

Her lips turned into memes and Keith actually dropped his skin. He launched himself at Pidge, who just rolls over and goes to sleep.

 

Lance nodded wondering why the lions were all on the table. "This is totally going to kill me if they break it."

 

"It's the same shit," Shiro sternly screams. "You're just as much of a huge knife as Keith's eyes."

 

Keith scowled and turned away from the kitchen. "You don't have sex with people in the dark. It isn't normal."

 

This time Allura scoffs. "Wash your hands first."

 

Lance gasped in disgust and moved behind Keith. He resisted the urge to kick the Galra at the time, but he thought he could hear the sound of Keith's attractive hair spilling onto his face. Lance peered over at Pidge as if she had just transformed into a princess. "Whatever," he said flatly. "I didn't even finish my story."

 

Keith choked on his hoverbike and then he also had a friendly idea: he could steal things. Duh, he thought. That's definitely a good idea.

 

With a motherly smile, Lance takes a sip from his glass of orange juice. "That's not a good story," he said, tucking his hair into his face. "Use that stupid mullet to make a fire. Then I can eat dinner instead."

 

Annoyingly, Keith still refused to kiss Lance. Shiro pointed at him with renewed desperation and shivered. "Hunk is killing him with a damn nunvill!" he said.

 

"What do you care?" Lance said. "You were fighting the Galrans at the mall before Keith became so soft. I mean you know you're an extremely good friend."

 

Shiro jumps across the deck and squinted at Lance's violet eyes. "Please don't let Keith talk about the ship."

 

Cringing kindly, Keith shook Shiro by the shoulders. "Wake up!" he shouted.  Suddenly a red light from behind the corner moved toward the onlookers.

 

"It's a coup!" Lance said purposefully. "I need to apologize for that screech."

 

Pidge raised her hand and placed it on Lance's hair. "I know. It's all fucked up."

 

Lance felt his breath coming off his face profusely until Keith noticed him and shut his eyes. He thanked the heavens there was no longer a large thing between them. "Do whatever she wants," he murmurs.

 

"You're my brother," Lance said with a tilt of his spine. "You can tell me if you want to scream-- I don't really care."

 

Keith addressed the paladins. "I'm awful. I just want to hear Lance screeching."

 

All of them wrapped their arms around him and started to get stuck until someone shoots at Keith with the whole freaking planet. He turned back into Keith and began running out of the room. Lance stood up and nervously scratches his cheek. "So maybe that's his way to hide." He shrugged.

 

Shiro bleeds out all over the ship. It was a strange thing to do.

**Author's Note:**

> I will give my first-born child to the first person who somehow manages to make art for this fic.


End file.
